What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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