I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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