Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
