Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
