I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
