Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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