If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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