i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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