yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Just took my morning after pill in the library
it's like iHOP with fire
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
