Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
