I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just pee around me
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
