here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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