I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
we're so committed to being not committed
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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