First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
