I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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