Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
