I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
