Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
