Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
