Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
