i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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