I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
