He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
