I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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