Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
