don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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