He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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