Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
