Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
