Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
