Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
