My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
