My first STD was from a foam party
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
