A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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