I need to stop coming to work sober
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
