And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
