I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
