I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
