Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Randomize
