one might say we're banned from that church
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Fuck appropriateness.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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