I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
