I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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