Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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