Umm I'm too high to move.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
two words...techno handjob
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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