so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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