yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
