I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
