dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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