I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize