So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
