if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
