Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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