Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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