I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
