Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We had to coat check the pizza.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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