Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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