I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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