Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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