so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
