its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
