before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
