Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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