know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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