I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
