i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
