census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize