Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
