i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
