my phone needs a breathalizer
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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