If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
