shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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