The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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