Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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